Mr Blunder Resurrected

It had been several months now since Mr. Blunder had been in heaven. He kind of liked it. Especially because Millie was there lots. He had taken a major liking to her over these past few months. He wanted to do filthy things with her. Like gardening, and painting a fence. He was really excited because Millie was going to take him to finally meet god today. He washed his cast iron skillet extra nice in case god wanted a delicious breakfast. Millie thought breakfast would be a wonderful idea as god was a tad somber because some more moronic humans killed other humans in his name. In heaven everyone got along. There was always plenty of toilets and no terrible odor afterward. Mr Blunder had loose bowels so this was a major benefit. They even had endless amounts of peach flavored yogurt. This was his favorite yogurt. Made his poop smell like Georgia. He was so excited to meet god. He had so many questions to ask. He was quite curious to find out the reason why he couldn't see wind and why he woke up with a hard wiener every morning. Even when he didn't have dreams of Millie in a kiddie pool full of Jello. Alas there they were. Before the throne of god. He greeted Millie as she introduced Mr. Blunder. god asked why he hanged himself. Blunder explained that it was all an accident. He was trying out to play the Swingset in Birch City's annual production of " i know my first name is steven". god forgave him and welcomed him to heaven.
The 3 sat and chatted for a bit. Blunder remember breakfast but forgot to bring treats. There was a giant barrel of large eggs next to god's throne so Mr. Blunder grabbed a few and tossed em' on the ol' skillet! They smiled kinda sweet, like they were dipped in honey. god caught a whiff and asked Mr Blunder what the hell he was doing. Mr Blunder explained that he was making everyone breakfast but had forgotten the food so he just used gods eggs. god grew furious and explained that those weren't eggs for eating, they were abortions! he had to bless them before sending them out as angels. god wasn't against abortion like all the mean people of earth thought. He gave humans free will for a reason. But he did value life so he kept all abortions and made them angels. It was a good deed on his behalf. Anyways, upset with Mr. Blunder for eating his abortions he cast him out of Heaven and back to earth to finish out his life. And he sent Millie along too! as her punishment she was made mortal again. At first she seemed upset at the notion but Mr Blunder had snuck a giant egg back to earth and cooked it for her in his skillet. She was starting to grow fond of Mr Blunder. Maybe human life wouldn't be so bad after all. They settled in at Mr. Blunders home in Birch city. Both of them very excited for this new and exciting chapter in their lives. He accidently poked her in the back with his mysterious morning wiener but she was ok with it.

southie

andrew station

sun hangs

like a bare bulb

in my face

up dot ave

to east 2nd

old colony housing project

church/bar/church/ bar

cemetery

repeat

soggy scratch tickets

melted

dingy

grey slush

old diapers

broken glass

cigarette butts

drifting

to the sewers

urgent bus

wet tires

wipers

all in motion

bay view liquors

neon shamrocks

bounced check

board of shame

no credit sign

absolutely nobody

roll of cooler doors

clink of bottles

hum of motors

register rings

paper bag cracks

broadway

pot holes

assholes

bass chords thump

cars roll by

pigeons

on a wire

stare

with the same

enthusiasm

of every

face

that passes

christ on the crucifix

hanging

outside

of st johns

is by far

the happiest face

to see

well besides

the kids

playing around

the filthy

dumpster

in front

of the triple decker

I call home

with a miracle

i'll bury this town

not this winter

Legitimate Reasons why i hate my mother.

Some people are spoiled and have mommy issues. Some didn't get that brand new car when they turned 16 or a trip to Europe when they graduated college. So they whine about their mommy. Me, I hate my mom because she is an idiot. She is a burden, an inconvenience. She has been incapable of having an original thought and following through on anything for her entire life.She brought 2 children into this world with no goddamn idea how to love or raise them. Pure selfish reasons. She wanted kids for the sake of having kids. She had no business in bearing children. The woman couldn't properly manage a 10$ bill and here she was popping out 2 kids. My dad couldn't take her and i dont blame him. It drove him to drink more than usual and shack up with his secretary. So not only was she a moron, she was now alone.
Normally if there were someone in my life like this i would tell them to go fuck themselves and kick them from my life. But in this instance i was born to the moron. The blind, clueless,stubborn asshole. Sure she made certain there was food and shelter and that goes not forgotten. But as a parent, a guide, a teacher she failed MISERABLY. Letting 2 children with obvious mental disorders go un-diagnosed. Trying to sweep under the rug any issues and ignoring the obvious no matter how hard it hit her in the face. Now if you wanna be an idiot and fuck your life up that is fine. More power to you. But when you bring a child into this world you have to man up and step out of your comfort zone. You need to listen, empathize and prepare them for the world ahead. Im not saying you have to shelter them and cradle them their whole lives. But this fucking woman just threw us to the wolves before the age of 10 with no goddamn clue.
Any questions, concerns, obstacles that came across my sister and i were swept under the rug. We were told to get over it. When my sister had serious pains in her woman areas my mom didnt believe her. when a doctor told my mom that my sister ( who was 14 at the time ) had bi-polar disorder my mom refused to accept the diagnosis because it proved her wrong. She took my sister from the office and neglected to get her help. My sister then had a very very difficult and painful road because no one listened to her or helped her.
When my baby sister got a little too friendly with my body parts when i was 8 rather than press charges or beat the holy hell out of the girl my mom did NOTHING! Didnt even get me counseling. She squandered away all her money because she believe that the lottery would solve all her problems. all through life even as we got older and would decline certain things from her because we understood that money was tight and told her to hold on to it, she went ahead and wasted it.
And now as an adult she still shoots down any dreams or aspirations my sister and i have. She villifies us to other relatives because she doesnt want them to know of her epic failure as a mother. i dont give a fuck as im now an adult and can figure shit out on my own. I climbed from a substantially giant emotional and financial abyss because of this person. My sister escaped to Virginia and is doing better than she ever has in her entire life. Im not using my mothers shit parenting as any excuse for my shortcomings. i and only i have control over me. She just did a shit job in shaping me as a kid and we had to pay for her stupid mistakes. Sometimes now i still pay. Her gambling problem is so bad she began stealing what little money i had to feed her habit. I still dont use that as an excuse. It just makes her that much more pathetic to me and makes me that much more emotionally involved in my son's life. I listen, i connect. I dont use my mental defect as an excuse, but rather a strength to work harder and rid my life of this awful person known as my mom.
Basically, i put this together so if every now and then i say something awful about my mom people will have a better understanding as to why. And my discontent toward her will just fuel me to get out of her life and stay out of it so i can truly be happy. I know my faults, i welcome advice. took her 58 yrs to admit she had a problem and now its her crutch and the whole world sucks up to her for it. me and my sister dont need anything but the love of our respective children. amy and i may be nuts and fuck-ups but goddammit we're good parents! And we owe it all to our truly pathetic mother.

Death of Blunder.

After several adventures to help ease his mind from the loss of his Lovely, Mr Blunder decided to return to his own home. The cold winds of winter were a reality check for all that was going on in Mr. Blunders life. This was the first time he was to open the door to his own home since he's lovely closed the door on him. Initially his heart sank into his stomach but thanks to the life preserver he swallowed as a child his heart floated back to its normal spot. He thought the preserver was a wintergreen lifesaver. His home was cold. In nature along with the temperature. Every step further in made the sound of a dying heartbeat. Creaking towards the lamp he turned it on so he may see. His home, much like his soul was completely empty. Bare cupboards and wilted flowers. even though he was home there wasn't any evidence of life inside the whole place.
his favorite chair now felt like a slice of stale bread. It was so quiet his thoughts feared materializing for they like all other life around Mr. Blunder might die. Mr. Blunder was beyond lonely. Milly was occupied with helping lost souls so he did not wish to bother her. He knew she had done all she could and there was no breathing life back into his dense spirit. He's run out of lighter fluid for his skillet so he just held it close in his stale bread chair.
Mr Blunder was truly trapped in the corroded physical tomb that was now his body. No one and no where. He was that far off island that the sun never reached in its daily rotation. That last little ember by the abandoned camp sight. Everyone was in his past and there was nothing in his future. All his blunders left a trail of torn lives. Even with the best intentions he destroyed all that was beautiful around him. Even with an earnest heart and selfless actions, he burned more than he built. He drowned rather than shower. He didn't want to cause any more harm. He couldn't stand another loss. He couldn't face himself. He poured out his green tic tacs and ate the whole box. Slowly climbing the stale bread chair and tying his lovely's old cowboy belt around his neck. He felt Milly close by. The first bit of warmth he had felt in ages. He had reached the end of his rope and took that final step....He smiled at Milly and then was gone. As he traveled with the angel he took one last look back. a flower had grown where he last stood. Mr. Blunder had done something right! He was finally at peace.


THE END.

Mr Blunder isn't here. He's otherwise Occupied.

Mr Blunder was in sort of a limbo. He just wandered along happily enjoying his life. He would stop at night and pick peppers in the wild and cook them in his skillet with deer. Now Mr Blunder loved animals and would never intentionally kill one, especially in an unfair fight. How a person can call hunting a sport is a mystery since the odds are against the animal. Mr Blunder HAD to kill the deer. apparently this deer had a major crack problem and had resorted to gang violence and armed robbery to support his habit. Held an AK-47 to Mr. Blunder's head, demanded his skillet, his hot peppers and his wallet. Mr Blunder may have been a tad clumsy and looked foolish with his one lazy eye, but he never backed down. He distracted the deer by sprinkling some crack on a tree stump. when the deer went to consume it Mr. Blunder smashed his brains in with his skillet. And since he didnt believe in wasting he cooked up the deer meat with his hot peppers and had a feast. He used the skin to make a belt, a skillet cover and a cowboy hat to impress potential new lovely's.

He stumbled upon a park where a bunch of people had gathered. They were all singing merrily and holding signs and complaining about something. Mr Blunder noticed a certain group quite upset. They were mad because the people in the giant buildings not knocked over by airplanes were taking all the money and not sharing. One man kept yelling at the men in suits that people were hungry and they had no food. He said that he was the voice for the hungry and was going to let everyone in the world know that people were hungry. Mr Blunder was confused as he saw the man doing all the yelling had some granola bars. dont see why he wouldnt share. Mr Blunder pulled out his trusty skillet and served deer meat to all those hungry. People were shocked that someone DID something instead of just complaining over and over and over and over again. Mr Blunder didnt care either way, he was just happy to help.
Along came the police who must have heard the disturbance. They asked who was cooking and serving food without a permit. and like cowards the protestors pointed out Mr. Blunder. I guess they didnt wanna risk the chance of getting arrested and losing their shiny tablet devices and web cameras. The police upset by Mr Blunder having the nerve to treat people fairly peppered sprayed the shit out of him. Mr Blunder had no idea what the fuck pepper spray was. He thought the police were just being nice and feeding him his favorite vegetable as a sign of gratitude for him feeding the ingrate protestors. Mr. Blunder soaked in every last drop and smiled. He thanked the officers who seemed quite confused. Not too sure what to do next the police left to attend to actual real crimes taking place. i heard they stopped a murder! The protestors cheered Mr Blunder because he had withstood the police assault and ran them off. Mr Blunder didnt see it that way. He saw a bunch of hypocrites who wouldnt help him and made him the patsy because they didnt want the pepper spray to ruin their mp3 players. Mr Blunder was mild mannered but did not like being crossed.....He took out the AK that he grabbed from the deer he killed and shot and killed the entire crowd. Their Ipods were bloody and their ipads had skull fragments and brains all over. Blunder was the last man standing. He didnt like the city anymore. so he set out to leave.
As he was leaving a well dressed man from a giant building came out and thanked him and gave Mr. Blunder $4 Billion dollars. Mr Blunder was shocked but still called the man an asshole for stealing the money. He kept the money and brought it back to Birch City to take care of his friends. He was a true hero for DOING something. Mr Blunder felt alive and in control again :)

Mr Blunder goes to the Afterlife.

It had been weeks since Mr Blunder was left to wander the empty roads by his Lovely. On nothing but a steady diet of mint tic tacs he tried to forge ahead. His heart felt clamped. His soul was stagnant. He was lost. On the streets and in his thoughts. Under a blanket of darkness Mr Blunder felt warm. Vulnerable, he looked to the night and let unholy spirits occupy his vacant eyes. Walking from the light Mr Blunder had no fears. He came to an abandoned gas station. The wind was getting cold. He saw a container labeled "Anti-freeze". Thinking it would prevent hypothermia he consumed the bottle. He marched onward to nowhere. His head got light, his heart murmured. His stomach felt like it was under attack by locusts and magpies. He quickly faded in the woods beyond the Pine Cone Resevoire.
When he finally came to there stood before him some kind of spirit. She called herself Milly. She came from the shadows of the brightest of lights. A summer dress with lilacs and a wonderful clavicle. Her job was to guide lost souls through the fog and haze to the eternal peace. So comforting was her voice and touch. Without question Mr Blunder followed her upward. She told him his pain was gone and he was finally free. She had given him his greatest gift ever. Milly the sweet angel spread her wings and flew back into the heavens. He would not soon forger Milly for saving his soul.
The after life was nice. Mr Blunder saw many birds and giraffes and oak trees. He saw the fox he had saved that eventually met his death at the hands of a racist tornado. ( apparently foxes are the blacks of feral canines.) They shared some saltines and lemonade. The fox seemed so happy and at peace. Mr Blunder really liked this place. They even had self reliant vacuums that came by to clean up the saltine crumbs. Mr Blunder had decided he wanted to stay here. He wasn't going back to that dark place ever again. He wasn't ever going to allow his heart to be tortured again. He also liked that there was no need to urinate in the afterlife. He could drink what he pleased and as much as he'd like without having to pee every 11 seconds. Just as he found a cloud with a good view to reside upon he felt a tap. It was Milly. She came back for him. She needed to bring him back to life. It wasn't his time. She just wanted to give a glimpse into a better world so he would see that things would eventually end up ok. Her eyes were like two pristine lakes and her smile a gateway to utopia. He knew it would be tough but Milly promised she would be there in spirit always. She took him back to his home and birch city and bandaged his heart. She brought along her 3 legged dog because his fleas brought luck. With a renewed faith in humanity Mr. Blunder cooked them a fantastic meal in his skillet. Homemade tacos and beans. Milly had to return to work as an angel. Mr Blunder thanked her and watched in awe as she separated the clouds and ascended back to the afterlife. Mr Blunder had been reborn. And because he was so nice to Milly she made it so he only had to pee 4 times a day. His urine also came out in the colors of a rainbow. Mr Blunder was now ready for his next adventure.

Mr Blunder and his Tic Tacs.

Spring was vastly approaching in beautiful Birch City. Flowers in blossom, leaves on trees, fat girls in tank tops with their stomach fat dripping out of the bottom like a tube of tooth paste with a boulder on the end. Mr Blunder had awoken at his lovely's and put on his oven mitts to make their morning coffee. They were oven mitts with pictures of distorted clocks. Mr Blunder loved clocks! He swore to wear oven mitts when making coffee because he burns so easily. He once got 3rd degree burns after spilling iced coffee in his lap. He safely brewed their morning coffee and they had sat to enjoy it together. His lovely's new home was finally unpacked and furnished. Mr Blunder worked very hard to help her. Despite several visits to the emergency room and a limb reattachment things went really smoothly. Mr Blunder was so happy about spring because they could partake in outdoor adventures again. Cycling, hiking, bird watching and synchronized swimming.
His Lovely seemed rather pensive. Mr Blunder was off to do some chores so he kissed her on the head and wished her well. He was off to Mr. Acorn's market to get some habenero peppers and bacon for his skillet. He had some extra money so he picked up some fresh flowers for his lovely and a bunch boxes of mint green tic tacs. Those were his favorites. As Mr. Blunder arrived home from his chores and his pit stop at the ER where he needed to get his skull stapled when a bear bit his head. It appeared the bear had a toothache and Mr. Blunder just wanted to help. Not only does he carry a skillet with him 24/7 but he also keeps a tarter scraper. The bear was grateful but it was in his nature to try and eat Mr. Blunder and Mr. Blunder was ok with that.
As he arrived at his Lovely's all of his things were stuffed into his red carry-on bag with the wheels. His Lovely said that now that she had her own home she didnt need him around anymore. She wanted to start fresh with a clear head. Mr Blunder was crushed. Heartbroken. His soul was caving in amidst the crumbling walls of his life. Everything seemed so good. They were in-love. They finished each others sentences. Ate each others meals and Mr. Blunder even cleaned the toilet daily. She didn't care to negotiate. She closed the door and Mr. Blunder was left alone with just his red bag and green tic tacs. His eyes burned from his tears so he couldn't drive home. Mr Blunder walked 22 miles alongside Sycamore Mountain to his residence. Broken more than any of his bones after the hundreds of accidents he'd been in. More crushed than his femur after that time he tried to kick a building like a soccer ball. Walking alone and cold, Mr Blunder ate his green tic tacs. No thoughts, no emotions. Just walking and eating his green tic tacs.........

....to be continued