Mother and Daughter

Muriel Pereira is a short rotund woman. She walks hunched over slightly with the peculiar shuffle of someone with osteoarthritis of the knees. In her late fifties she is often wearing large sunglasses, even indoors.
Muriel suffers from mental illness but also personality disorders. Personality disorders are not treatable. So you have to learn to live with her. Muriel’s glass of water in life is forever half empty, never half full. Everyone and everything that goes on around her must be criticized, and belittled.
Raised outside of Boston, she led an interesting life as a young person. Very bright, and college educated, she is multilingual. At one time she was a travel hostess, leading trips to Spain and Portugal. I am not clear on how she ended up living in Fall River. She is married to Nuno, whom I hear about all the time but have never laid eyes on.
I have seen her get in fights both verbal and physical with other club members at Towne House. Towne House is the clubhouse for the mentally ill we both attend. Once in the kitchen she got into a slapping girl fight with another member and they both ended up in handcuffs and carted off to the police station. Muriel is very paranoid. Sometimes she will see someone wearing an item of clothing and insist that it's hers and its been stolen from her.
Murial is also a busybody. She will overhear things, and always think the worst. About 9 years ago I was playing video games with another member named Jane. Jane is a former drug user, but had been clean for about a year. Jane asked me about how much it cost to feed my dogs. I told her that a bag of “Joy”, the brand I was feeding at the time was $15 a bag. The following day I got called into the directors office. He tells me Muriel has accused me of dealing drugs on Towne House property. At first I was totally confused by this accusation but then it came to light that she had heard me talking with Jane. I realized then what she heard. I don't think I ever laughed so hard. I brought in an empty bag the following day to show Muriel and the rest of the club what a $15 dollar “bag of joy” was. Jane no longer attends Towne House because of incidents like this.
Muriel also has an obsession with food that is mind boggling. She talks about it constantly. Every item of food made at Towne House is awful and of course if she were in the kitchen she could do it better. She criticizes everything, and accuses staff of shorting people on food when they serve it. She shows up at the club with numerous shopping bags every day, filled with food. I think she is afraid that if she does not carry it with her, she will somehow not be able to get any if she needs it. Muriel has no one but her husband and herself at home. They receive food stamps and Muriel makes it to every food pantry in Fall River. She also signs herself up for all the holiday food baskets, from multiple agencies. Muriel tells them there are 5 people in her household. Herself, and her husband and their 3 kids. Thanksgiving and Christmas find her with so many turkeys and hams it's really scary.
Muriel has 3 children. Two boys and a girl. All the children were removed from her custody as infants. I am not sure what the specific reasons for this were, but I can imagine why it happened. The two boys were adopted by the same family. Now young adults they are in college. I don't think she has actual contact with them, but she is kept current on their lives.
The girl is now 19. Her name is Debbie.
I first heard of Debbie a decade ago, when she was a patient at a state hospital in Worcester County Massachusetts. Debbie would call her mother at Towne House, and be hysterical. Every call was about a crisis. Muriel has no home telephone so the only way she could contact Debbie and vice versa was through the Towne House Telephones. It fascinated me in a very sick way, that this mentally ill, unstable individual had an equally sick (if not more so) child institutionalized by the state.

I have been a Towne House member since 2001. At times I have been a more active member than others, using the club resources and facilities but not always participating in the day to day activities there. In 2009, I began attending more regularly again. There I met Debbie, Muriel’s daughter.
Now the idea that multiple generations of the same family are attending Towne House together, is sort of disturbing to me. But Muriel and Debbie are not the only ones. Faith is there with her son Tommy. She's about my age and Tommy is 19. Helen attends also with her daughter Tiffany. Tiffany has a job though and so does not come every day.

Debbie is short and chubby and definitely looks like a younger version of her mother. Her hair is peroxide blonde. She wears slutty cheap clothes from Walmart and the Fashion Bug. Because of some of the meds that she is on, she has a very strange affect. She stares straight ahead and is unable to make real eye contact with people.
Debbie is very out of control.
When I first met her she was living in a group home. She had to account for where she was, and had a curfew at night. There were a few incidents where she disappeared and had to be located by the police and returned to the home. She was fucking anyone who asked. Without any kind of precautions. Taking all sorts of street drugs and failing to take her prescribed medication. Hanging out in nefarious parts of town, with all sorts of lowlifes.
Her mother would start wailing how Debbie was smoking pot, and this was causing all her problems....
I think smoking pot was the least of Debbie’s problems.
Then she became obsessed with getting her own apartment. No one thought this was a wise idea.
Somehow she convinced an agency, to give her the first and last rent for an apartment. You would think in a case like this that there would be caseworkers and protocol that would ensure that she found a safe place to live, with a lot of support.
Instead she found an apartment in the worst part of town, in a building that had previously been condemned by the board of health and declared unfit for human habitation. And the agency handed over the money and she moved in. There were no locks on the doors. The place was infested with cockroaches and there was no heat. The second day living there she walked into the apartment to find a junkie shooting up in the bathroom. One of her neighbors threw him out.
She had a mattress and box spring on the floor, and some kitchen stuff but that was about it. Now her decline escalated.
With no rules and no boundaries she stopped taking her prescriptions altogether and was out all night inhaling every substance offered to her. She pretty much stopped coming to Towne House, and when she did she was really out of it. Her mother spent hours on the phone daily trying to get someone to intervene. Finally after a month of drama and heartache, Debbie was hospitalized. I was relieved. I was really worried she was going to end up dead in a dumpster someplace.
This was 6 months ago. She is now hospitalized at Taunton State. I heard she is really doing well, and they are talking about matching her up with a roommate and getting her an apartment on Main St. in Taunton. I cannot believe that in such a short time anything much has changed. Once she is out, how long will it take for her to be right back where she started all over again?

The Dental Lottery

As a child I had excellent dental care. Although I hated my dentist, my mother dragged us there religiously. The dentist was actually a family friend and his daughter was one of my playmates. Dr. Lipson filled my cavities while telling me horror stories about the M&M's and caramel chews he could see in the back of my mouth. Oh the shame and guilt! And I had to see this man on all sorts of occasions like Passover Seders, and sleepovers with his daughter. He always made me very nervous.

After I left home though my dental neglect began. I had a really great job in 1987, working for the city of Boston as an Animal Control Officer. As with any government job it had excellent benefits so when I had my wisdom teeth out, it was no problem. But by then my depression was helping me to neglect my teeth, and I was no longer brushing or flossing.

One by one, I lost teeth. An old filling fell out of a molar and after a year, the pain was unbearable. By that time I was on SSI and Mass Health. Mass Health at the time would pay for filling cavities, cleanings, and dentures. But that's about it. So an inevitable trip to the dentist leads to me being dressed down verbally about the state of my teeth while the offending molar is yanked out. That certainly was a great way to make sure I was not going back.

Over the next twenty years I lost two on the left bottom, one on the left top, two on the right top and one on the right bottom. But amazingly I still had all my front teeth!

In June of 2009, I convinced a new medication provider that I did have bi-polar II and she prescribed Lamictal, a mood stabilizer. The previous provider, had me on 100mg of Prozac (an enormous dose) that was very obviously ineffective.When told that my highs were too high and my lows were too low, said I was just fat and depressed.

"My Lamictal Summer" as I like to call it, was the most amazing summer of my life. It was if a grey cloud had lifted. No more days in bed, unable to do anymore than roll over. No more euphoria when my mood would shift the other way. I started to get everyplace I needed to on time. And I started to brush my teeth , and floss again. At first my gums bled, but after a few weeks, that stopped. My front teeth which were sorta yellowish and dingy started to lighten in color.

I started to notice a lot more about my surroundings and the people in them. So many people at Towne House, the club house for the mentally ill that I attend, have no teeth. NONE WHATSOEVER!
Mass Health will not pay for any kind of dentistry but will pay for extractions. People on SSDI who end up with dental problems most often get coerced into having their entire mouths emptied of teeth. Mass Health used to pay for Dentures,which were notoriously ill fitting,but that ended last year. The other problems with the dentures is that people have a very hard time getting used to them, or sometimes they got lost. Mass Health would only pay for one set. Now they won't even provide that. So there are numerous people walking around at Towne House with no teeth at all. And they are not old. Their gaping maws are ugly, and disturbing to see. Not having teeth distorts the face. It also ages people before their time.

Employment is difficult enough with mental illness. The state of the economy makes the odds of being employed AND having mental illness astronomical. Why are we handicapping this vulnerable population even more than they already are? I am just flummoxed by this paradox.

I started school in June. The idea was daunting and there is such internal pressure from myself to dress better, and have a decent haircut. My age and weight are bad enough. I don't want to stand out too much. It ocurred to me that if I had missing teeth up front or no teeth at all, I might not be have been able to even think about doing this.

A friend works as an dental receptionist. She informed me in May that come July 1st Mass health will not be paying for filling cavities anymore. I did not know this. I also have not been to the dentist for any kind of maintenance since my last tooth extraction in 2007. When I asked her about an appointment she told me that the dentist is no longer taking any new patients but she'd see what she could do. A few days later she called to tell me I can had an appointment for a teeth cleaning in two weeks.

I arrived at the dentists office wary and unsure. I hate the dentist so much. Its an irrational fear and I know this but it still makes my fight or flight instinct kick in. Mostly flight instinct. The dental hygenist was very sweet and nice. She had a calender with a Friesan horse on it. I asked her about it. She was shocked that I knew what a Friesan is, and we talked about horses and all sorts of animals. I also told her my story of dental neglect. As the cleaning progressed she found that I had one filling that needed replacement, (according to my calculations it had to be almost 40 years old!) and two cavities that needed to be filled. Then she announced to me that my front teeth were so perfect, they appeared like they had been capped. I informed her that they were all natural, I do not have any capped teeth. Together we marveled at the state of my teeth despite the neglect. I made a couple of appointments for the following weeks to have the work done. All before the July 1st deadline. I told her I think I have won the dental lottery. She agreed.

More Tales From The Soup Kitchens

Church of the Holy Spirit has a soup kitchen. Open Mondays and Fridays from 11am til 12:30. Again there rarely is soup. The “consumers” as most agency's now refer to us, are the same faces as 1st Baptist Church. The servers are different though.

There is the woman about my age at the next table with a tattoo of an Egyptian eye on her forehead.

A guy sits across from me. He's in his mid thirties and he has white supremacist prison tattoos. I am tempted to tell him he is sitting across from a Jewess but decide maybe I should keep quiet about that.

All the people from Towne House,the local clubhouse for the mentally ill, eat here on Fridays because the meal you get at Towne House costs a dollar and isn't as good. Many of the Towne House members walk by and say hi to me. We are the dysfunctional mentally ill family.

Ed is a lifelong resident of Fall River. A brilliant man who is trapped by his mental illness. He does a lot of advocacy for Towne House and NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill), and is an avid participant in the goings on at the club. Evidently he cannot pass a CORI check because of things he did when his illness was untreated. This makes his ability to be employed severely limited. I have heard that there are lawyers that can get that sort of thing expunged but it is out of reach financially for Ed. Ed has a bottle of hot sauce in his pocket everywhere he goes, and he always doctors the food at Towne House and the soup kitchens.

Frank is homeless and spends his days trash picking, and at Towne House. He is sometimes so filthy that his skin appears 3 shades darker than it actually is. He always carries around many bags full of bottles and other valuables he finds in the trash.Frank is schizophrenic and also a heroin addict. He was recently diagnosed with cancer that has metastasized everywhere. I wonder what is going to happen to him as his disease progresses.

There are also some women with children. I always feel very badly seeing children here. Do they think this is like going out to eat at a restaurant ?
I look back to my privileged childhood, and give thanks that this is not one of my memories of growing up.

At this soup kitchen, after you eat, they also let you take home donated bread. But you can't have the bread unless you eat the meal. Sometimes I sneak in and get bread without having dinner.

It's day old bread but who can really tell ? There are two large tables, On one end is white bread, hot dog and hamburger rolls. In the center is the whole wheat and multi grain breads. Some are just store brands and other are brands like Natures Promise which goes for $3.49 a loaf in the store. At the end are the artisan bread loaves. Focacia, Kalamata Olive, Roasted Garlic, Seeded Rye, Sourdough, Whole Wheat Raisin Pecan,Whole Wheat Cranberry Pecan, Something called a California Loaf that is a huge round, loaded with dried apricots,figs,golden and brown raisins. It makes a lovely breakfast toasted. Also lots of whole grain breads in various shapes.

Of course because this is Fall River, the white bread and hot dog buns disappear first. Usually nothing is left when the kitchen closes. Some people take sliced whole wheat or multi grain loaves. The older adults who are trying to eat better choose those.

The multi-grain loaves and artisan breads sit there. I don't feel guilty one bit, and fill two bags. No one even looks at it. They are squabbling over the white bread.

The cranberry pecan loaf has a price tag on it from Lee's Market in Westport. Lees is a fancy gourmet grocery that I cannot afford to shop at. The tag says $6.99.
I take all the bread home, slice the unsliced loaves and freeze everything. I'll have some nice sandwiches next week.

Mental Illness, Addiction and Poverty.

David is drunk again. In his late 40's, 5'9, maybe 170 lbs. The absolute worst acne scarred face I've ever laid eyes on,with greasy hair, cut in a seventies shag. Not a retro style either, you definitely know he's had the same hair cut since high school. Muddy brown, streaked with grey and facial hair that is weird, It appears he has sorta shaved but I think it's really mostly because the pockmarks are so bad that it's hard to get it all.

Poor David. He has worked part time at a commercial laundromat forever. The laundry has gone out of business because of owner mismanagement, and now he just got a letter from Social Security saying he is off the rolls and owes them $95,000. They say he never declared he was working for the last 10 years. Considering he has been filing taxes, I don't know how this happened. With every decision from SSI you get a period in which you can appeal. In the end I really don't think he will owe them any money but for now it's a crisis. He lives with “his girl Tina” as he refers to her. That night they go home, he drinks(she doesn't), and they fall asleep. David awakens in the middle of the night and declares he is going to kill himself, there is no more reason to live. Tina calls the police who haul David off to Corrigan, a state run mental health facility in Fall River. Corrigan has him admitted to the Arbor, a private hospital in Attleboro,near Providence RI.

David stays the minimum 14 days. While he is there, obviously there is no alcohol. They adjust his meds, and he gets some perspective. Considered not a danger to himself anymore they release him early in the week. By Wednesday he is already planning to drink again on Friday night. Tina won't let him drink at her apartment so he is going to do this at Mary Ann's house.

Mary Ann and David have been friends since childhood. She refers to him as "brother" and he always calls her "sister".

Mary Ann is 49, 5'2” short dark red hair, and weighs about 225. She would be considered pretty butch but she is a raging heterosexual. She actually has a degree as a machinist. Married to the same man for 35 years on and off (there were divorces and separations and a few different weddings)her husband Bill died a year and a half ago. Mary Ann seems to have her shit together more than the rest of this crew but, also seems so desperate and lost without her husband.

Mary Ann has a heart of gold. She has taken in a stray named Fred. Fred is 69 and bi-polar. He is a fireplug of a man, still handsome with light grey hair. He is also sort of her beau. There is no sex though because Fred broke his penis about 20 years ago and is impotent. So they just snuggle. When he takes his meds he's ok, but when he forgets or skips doses suddenly demons are everywhere. People are breaking into,and as he says "fucking with his car". He can't let this happen so he “hides it” by parking on other streets. Other times he has to sleep in the car to make sure it's ok. He also believes random people are going to the bank withdrawing money from his account. One time he drove to the bank with Mary Ann. While she waited in the car, he went inside to make a withdrawal and slipped a note to the teller that he was being held hostage at Mary Ann's address. Later when they arrive back home, they discover that the back door has been broken down and there is a note from the police to please get in touch. Fred does not want Mary Ann to call, he thinks it will cause trouble. He won't tell her why he thinks this or what he has done. Because they don't call, the police show up again. The police tell Mary Ann the story, and she's horrified . Realizing the detective in charge was a neighbor kid when her children were growing up, she calls her daughter and asks her to come over. The detective and the daughter talk, and Fred is let go with a warning not to do it again.

Fred also disappears a lot, sometimes for a week at a time. When he gets his check for the month he often takes off for Mohegan Sun. He never calls or checks in and Mary Ann worries endlessly. She will drive around Fall River til she finds him. After he has lost all his money he comes back and she'll find him sleeping in his car at Ruggles Park. He’ll brushing his teeth at the water fountain and taking a shit outside between his open car doors.

Mary Ann also lives with a roommate named Mark. She started renting him a room after her husband died. I guess you would have called him a boarder in another age. He pays rent and in return gets a furnished room with a bed, laundry services, meals, and for paying half of the Dish Network bill, satellite TV.

Mark is 56, neat grey hair, moustache and beard. He smokes and has some sort of chronic lung condition where he is constantly coughing up phlem. It is very difficult for me to be around him too long without feeling nauseated listening to him hack up his lungs. Mark has been married and divorced. His last girlfriend two and half years ago, pressed charges against him for beating her up. He spent a year in jail. Since then he has been single and dates nobody.

Mark and David go everywhere together. Mark does not drink. He is also a miser and spends none of his money except on necessities. David has an old conversion van so Mark is the designated driver. Mark also is a bank, lending David and Tina money for cigarettes,marijuana, and for David to get alcohol.

In order to drink on Friday night David sells his food stamps to Mary Ann. He had $60 worth so he sold them for $30.

Tina won't let David drink at her house. David is a mean drunk. He gets very verbally abusive. Tina is a cunt and a whore, no good and a loser.

Fred has disappeared again so Mary Ann, Mark and David hang out at Mary Ann's house, watching TV til David drinks himself into oblivion.

The next day Tina is fed up and breaks up with David.

They have an actual fistfight at Towne House, a clubhouse for the mentally ill, and the staff person there has to call the police. Since David has been living with Tina, he leaves and moves into the woods,living in his conversion van. The next time I see Tina 3 days later her face is still swollen from crying. She does not want him to drink but is still in love with him and can't imagine life without him.

Mark and David hate Fred. They think that Mary Ann is too good for him. When David gets drunk he fights with Fred. He tells Mary Ann she should be with no one in order to honor the memory of Bill her former husband.

Fred is gone for a week. Mary Ann is very sad and talks about how Fred has to move out of her house, she can't be responsible for him anymore. I think this is a really good thing and encourage her because I know Fred is never going to change. I tell Mary Ann that either she has to accept him the way he is or tell him he has to leave.

She keeps repeating the plan to me and others and seems to be resolved to do it.

A week later Fred reappears at Towne House. He has been there since 7am and is waiting for Mary Ann to show up. When she arrives and finds him there, she tells him it's over. He must get the rest of his stuff and go. But then he offers her $125 for the month so he might be able to use her house for showers and laundry. Her plans fall to pieces and she takes the money.

Mark and David have a fit. They are really angry at Mary Ann for this. Mary Ann can't believe that Mark thinks he can tell her whom can come to her house. If she wants to allow Fred to come over than Mark has no right to an opinion. Mark is so mad that he spends the night at Tina's house.

I meet them all for dinner at the 1^st Baptist church soup kitchen. Mary Ann, Fred,Mark and I all eat supper together. David is hanging in the woods with his brother who lives in some sort of tent city. Tina is home crying. Mark rides in Mary Ann's car with Fred and sits at the same table but won't speak to Fred.

I don't know why they call it a soup kitchen. Very rarely is there soup.

Tonight we have salad, roasted pork loin, red bliss mashed potato's, and mixed veg. Cake for desert. The only thing I hate about it is the prayer they say before the meal starts. If there really is a god why are all of us sitting here at a soup kitchen, instead of being chauffeured in a limo and eating at Nobu? Why are we all suffering from mental illness, addiction, and poverty ?