You've traveled the world but you haven't crossed my mind. actually, that last line was a lie. My mind is a highway and you're a commuter. back and forth it takes its toll. my heart a pot of old cracked pewter. The sole shooter in the gunfight. I brought a knife but you stole my sight and stuck the blade in the my spine so my organs could see light. an out of work labored breath then you left. i did my job you grabbed the broom and under the carpet i was swept. But that's not the point.
You were the final stick that poked, provoked this half ghost. You may have took my breath away but ive learned to fuckin choke. from the dust, comes the smoke...the fire will rise and put its hands on your throat. My supposed demise has been exaggerated since the first time my heart broke. I keep coming back like a fucking cockroach. but now im gonna fight until i'm dead and i've lost hope.
You are the straw, the rope, the dead end road. get the fuck out of my head and fuck that horse that you rode.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
A Million
i wrote this about someone who i secretly love. usually if i write something in regards to love its a generalizing. this is a specific person. i really wish i could tell her. but circumstances far beyond my control prevent that. plus its not practical as she's been with the same person forever and recently been engaged. the first part is my sadness that i cant tell her i love her. then sencond part is me not letting the sadness bother me. she is an incredible human being. one that makes me not hate people. when a long relationship ended for me, she was the only one of my ex's friends to remain by my side. she helped me step by step. she put a feeling, a reassurance in my heart. i know i can never tell her. but ive got to write how i feel. this is the last poem i wrote for my book that will one day come out. the poem is called a Million because "Million" rhymes with her name.
my tank is empty. i am void. creativity's destroyed. i can't sleep, i can't think. burn my eyes so i cant blink. i cant eat, i cant grasp. there's a broken heart dead in my lap. the autumn crashed upon my skin, thoughts stripped bare, a million.
i walk in shadows, i walk through lines. through burning bridges a million times. i cant cope, i can't take, i cant emote or bother to fake. There's a scratch upon my plate. a meal that i never ate. The autumn rained its cold into my conscious and to be completely honest, atop my list of reasons your name is on it. one of a million.
if im empty than im a liar, i cannot hide...for you inspire. you give life to every thought. to every single breath ive got. you give meaning to each word. you are the essence of my nerves. You are my autumn, a microcosm. for all good fortune i have gotten. i wish i were your same. i wish i could put rhyme to your name. but treading water i maintain. with the silence, with the pain. a million knives in a million veins.
my tank is empty. i am void. creativity's destroyed. i can't sleep, i can't think. burn my eyes so i cant blink. i cant eat, i cant grasp. there's a broken heart dead in my lap. the autumn crashed upon my skin, thoughts stripped bare, a million.
i walk in shadows, i walk through lines. through burning bridges a million times. i cant cope, i can't take, i cant emote or bother to fake. There's a scratch upon my plate. a meal that i never ate. The autumn rained its cold into my conscious and to be completely honest, atop my list of reasons your name is on it. one of a million.
if im empty than im a liar, i cannot hide...for you inspire. you give life to every thought. to every single breath ive got. you give meaning to each word. you are the essence of my nerves. You are my autumn, a microcosm. for all good fortune i have gotten. i wish i were your same. i wish i could put rhyme to your name. but treading water i maintain. with the silence, with the pain. a million knives in a million veins.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
self destructive dan :)
self destructive dan.
sometimes i don't understand my inner mechanics. i think i'm wired to set myself to fail. I think it gives me a good excuse to rationalize abusing my meds......which unfortunately i've done again......Oooops! just like Brittany i did it again, and again and again. I don't know if it's because i hate myself or because i enjoy being sad. The hardest thing in the world to accept is that you're just a routine. That there is no end result to your work. Maybe you search in the wrong tunnels but goddamnit those lights you find are so fucking enticing. Too bad they're someone elses lantern and you're left walking in the dark with out a purpose, Beating your head on the cave wall until you are unconscious. Your life is upside down with the bats. You are nothing more than a desensitized robot living out the motions until you expire. Expiration isn't so bad. And i know there is no hell unless hell be the loneliness that lulls you to sleep for eternity. So maybe another pill won't matter. Hold on...............Ok :) This is the mind of a fucking drug addict. even if i only slip once a year, for the rest of my life i am a fucking drug addict and for someone reason i wanna destroy myself. Welcome to my world, my mind........welcome to my tartan heart, stitched up in sartorial splendor for all to see in awe. for all to pull the loose thread until i'm further unraveled. Tonight's poem will not be depressing in its normal sense.....this is a first class trip inside my mind that few have scene....I give to you............." SELF DESTRUCTIVE DAN":
Bottle top off like a hub cap on a 83' pontiac, where's my clonny at? oh! there you are my precious, green freshness, time to get reckless like a blind guy givin his wife a pearl necklace, while she's eatin breakfast. scrambled like eggs, fuckin numb in the leg. can't tell if these are thoughts or fuckin tumors inside my head. If im not legally dead, im half past comatose, vultures play me close like butter on toast ( Biggie!). a pill is a pill until it kills the will, my eyes pushed shut like painted window sills, i love me some poison like i'm Cee Cee deVille and i'll clean your fucking clock to make time stand still. I don't belong, like a platypus, duck billed. I'll gladly let the blood spill like milk i won't cry. Fuck, tears don't fall from lazy eyes, amazes me i....never knew that green meant go until your skin turned blue. Bursting from you're veins until your ghost leaves you. emerging from the flames till the smoke heals you. I'm high as fuck but i can still feel you. driving a semi with no breaks, laughing like a maniac with frosted flakes on my face, flat tires and a full shell case. This isn't the Amazing Race its me dying at a slow pace at the speed of light during a black out in outer space. No moon, no stars, clovers or diamonds, purgatory's where i'm in, alone playing Simon, red-blue-red -red -green -green-green till i can't stand or can't lean, find me in an alley with wrangler jeans and an empty bottle of mr clean. All lined up with the ducks, don't give a fuck, shoot away until the bullet is stuck between my eyes penetrating my tear duct, its fucking clear cut, i am a fucking, here to destruct! self preserve, rip my skin from the nerves, stomp my heart on the curb, this is not an adjective its a lonely verb.......gotta chicken on the grill and it's time to flip the bird.
sometimes i don't understand my inner mechanics. i think i'm wired to set myself to fail. I think it gives me a good excuse to rationalize abusing my meds......which unfortunately i've done again......Oooops! just like Brittany i did it again, and again and again. I don't know if it's because i hate myself or because i enjoy being sad. The hardest thing in the world to accept is that you're just a routine. That there is no end result to your work. Maybe you search in the wrong tunnels but goddamnit those lights you find are so fucking enticing. Too bad they're someone elses lantern and you're left walking in the dark with out a purpose, Beating your head on the cave wall until you are unconscious. Your life is upside down with the bats. You are nothing more than a desensitized robot living out the motions until you expire. Expiration isn't so bad. And i know there is no hell unless hell be the loneliness that lulls you to sleep for eternity. So maybe another pill won't matter. Hold on...............Ok :) This is the mind of a fucking drug addict. even if i only slip once a year, for the rest of my life i am a fucking drug addict and for someone reason i wanna destroy myself. Welcome to my world, my mind........welcome to my tartan heart, stitched up in sartorial splendor for all to see in awe. for all to pull the loose thread until i'm further unraveled. Tonight's poem will not be depressing in its normal sense.....this is a first class trip inside my mind that few have scene....I give to you............." SELF DESTRUCTIVE DAN":
Bottle top off like a hub cap on a 83' pontiac, where's my clonny at? oh! there you are my precious, green freshness, time to get reckless like a blind guy givin his wife a pearl necklace, while she's eatin breakfast. scrambled like eggs, fuckin numb in the leg. can't tell if these are thoughts or fuckin tumors inside my head. If im not legally dead, im half past comatose, vultures play me close like butter on toast ( Biggie!). a pill is a pill until it kills the will, my eyes pushed shut like painted window sills, i love me some poison like i'm Cee Cee deVille and i'll clean your fucking clock to make time stand still. I don't belong, like a platypus, duck billed. I'll gladly let the blood spill like milk i won't cry. Fuck, tears don't fall from lazy eyes, amazes me i....never knew that green meant go until your skin turned blue. Bursting from you're veins until your ghost leaves you. emerging from the flames till the smoke heals you. I'm high as fuck but i can still feel you. driving a semi with no breaks, laughing like a maniac with frosted flakes on my face, flat tires and a full shell case. This isn't the Amazing Race its me dying at a slow pace at the speed of light during a black out in outer space. No moon, no stars, clovers or diamonds, purgatory's where i'm in, alone playing Simon, red-blue-red -red -green -green-green till i can't stand or can't lean, find me in an alley with wrangler jeans and an empty bottle of mr clean. All lined up with the ducks, don't give a fuck, shoot away until the bullet is stuck between my eyes penetrating my tear duct, its fucking clear cut, i am a fucking, here to destruct! self preserve, rip my skin from the nerves, stomp my heart on the curb, this is not an adjective its a lonely verb.......gotta chicken on the grill and it's time to flip the bird.
When We Fall
I've started. I guess it's on now. Large parts to be fleshed out, but here's what I have. Miss Lethal said I should post it here.
When We Fall
Trash was lying by the side of the road. He was dying. I was at work. When the call came in I was alarmed to hear my brother's voice on the line and my heart beat sped up. I knew something was wrong.
The name of the song Rico finished was When We Fall but when I fell into bed later that night it was Tony V who sprang to mind.
When I say fell, I mean fell. Let me go back a bit. My cranky and arthritic hips have made it difficult for me to move around like I used to. Getting into bed is much easier for me if I get a knee up and roll in, kind of like mounting a horse. High ho Silver!
That night I was off my game a little and the mattress had slipped a few inches off the box spring. I got my first knee up okay but with the combination of a slick floor and the off kilter mattress, I started to slide and could not catch myself. I suddenly ended up planked on the bed, unable to get onto my feet because they kept slipping on the floor. I couldn't get a grip anywhere on the bed because I was right in the middle of it, my body forming a right angle to the bed. I was in a pickle, no one had a key to get in and I was not about to ask a friend to break into the house for this. Calling the fire department for help was out of the question. Far too embarrassing. I kept slowly sliding off the bed. There was no alternative. I would have to lower myself onto my knees, think things out and try to find a way to get up. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been on my knees. Not anytime recently.
The lowering process went slowly but well, all the while different scenarios playing themselves out in my mind. Most ended badly but at least, in the event of my demise, the cats would have plenty to eat until someone finally showed up to check on me.
I flashed back to my father kneeling down in this same room every night before getting into bed to say his prayers. He was a small mean man and I always thought it was odd that he prayed every night but acted like a dick for most of his days. Turns out that he had promised his mother on her deathbed that he would say his prayers every night. Oftentimes I'd wished that she had pressed him further to be mindful of his prayers during the day.
During my early teen years I had joined a church that my closest friend attended. At twelve I was baptized. I thought Jesus was cool and I loved Him. God was a little more inscrutable and off-putting, but I respected Him. The formality of my faith had lapsed, but I still maintained my friendship with Jesus.
As I sank to my knees, God and my father praying on my mind, I sent up a quick hello to God, figuring as long as I was down there anyway…hoping He was not holding a grudge. I thought of Tony V then and the light hearted way we talked about Jesus on line. That and knowing that even if God was pissed about my lack of contact He was contractually obligated to help me made me smile. I got to the work of dragging myself up, twisting and bending a cranky leg to get a foot on the floor, one arthritic knee still down as I bellowed and pulled myself up slowly and deliberately on the rails of my walker. I fell into bed. This time successfully.
The dreams always start with me sleeping. I hear a persistent sound in the background that becomes louder and more focused and eventually wakes me up. In the dream, I get up to go and see what is making the noise. No one ever answers the questions I tentatively shout as I make my way to the source.
My dreams were locked away from my remembering for almost a year after my mother died. Sometimes in that split second between dreaming and waking I would see how much was really going on in my sleep. Layers and layers of dreaming all happening at the same time. Too much for one mind or person to process, but gradually the images began to slow down and I would remember a scene or two.
I dreamt of my grandmothers house. Usually, when this happened someone in the family was about to die. When I dreamt of walking through her house as myself and it was all the way I remembered it from childhood I knew that we were about to lose someone dear. It happened when my grandmother died and it happened the same when her daughter Francesca passed away.
This time was different. My mother was there and she was around my age. Her hair jet black and teased into a flip. She was standing by the stairs that led up to the front door of the house. A large slice of soil had been cut away and it showed layers and layers of different colored dirt with objects that had belonged to people who had lived in the house over the years embedded throughout. It looked like a colorful archeology illustration from an elementary school text book. I approached the steps and my mother, I was a young child and so glad to see her and it all disappeared.
I had seen her the night she died before I went to work. She was agitated and I calmed her and stayed until she fell asleep. I wasn't there when she died in the night and felt like I had let her down. I hated it. It was the one thing about her death I couldn't accept.
There was a knocking that would not stop. It was coming from the kitchen. I followed the noise and saw my mother standing at the sink, but it was the wrong side of the sink. The side that was against the wall. There was no way she could stand there, but she did. She looked ashen and weak, so pale I was alarmed and rushed to her saying calmly 'Mum, what are you doing? You don't need to do the dishes now.'
Just like that day she went into the hospital, I didn't want her to know how concerned I was that she seemed so ill. She said nothing. She was too weak to speak. As I drew near I could see that she was about to faint and I reached out and took her in my arms so she would not fall.
The closer I got the more clear it became that she was not well. Her knees started to buckle.. She swooned into my arms as soon as I reached her, I was shocked. She felt cool and grew even paler. I knew she was dying. Suddenly I saw us both from just outside my body. When I put my arms around her I could feel her spirit push up and start to leave her body and woke with a start just as she finished giving up her ghost. Some part of both of our consciousnesses swirling together and spiraling up and up and into the starry Universe.
I don't know how to thank her for doing that for me.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
awake on sleeping pills. ( random thoughts.)
i have so much to say. but i cannot. so i will fill this space with randomness.
I manage to put both pant legs on at the same time. easier said than done, but i have perfected it. You gotta do it while lying down. Put your legs straight up and pull the pants onto them. This may be difficult if you are fat. I propose fat people wear moo moo's. even the men. Tie a belt around it and you will look like a fancy hotel curtain. it may lead to a very lucrative career.
Can bed bugs live on chairs?
i'm killing myself with kindess so my suicide note will only say nice things about me. Just a few more self affirmations and maybe i'll hold the car door for myself. That should be enough to do it. If not, i'll save the last slice of pizza for me. That's guarenteed death. I'm kinda lookin for a ghostwriter for my suicide note but haven't found anyone worthy. i guess i'll wait till i'm dead to write it. It will really add authenticity to the whole thing.
I've been procrastinating preparing for the worst. I guess that's a good things because im bleeding from my ears as i type and i don't have time to check the batteries in my smoke alarm which fuckin sucks because i'm always falling asleep with lit cigarettes. I really need a better sense of urgency .....and a tampon for my ear. i'll get it later, i've got some unfinished business to attend to.
My mom doesn't like me. She wanted to get an abortion but thought i wasn't worth the money. She says im a major let down and never finish anything. Little does she know i just polished off a bottle of ambien and chased it with bourbon. finally my mom's gonna be proud of me! It's all ive worked for. acceptance. I would try to kill myself once a week to make her happy but i totally screwed up each time. furthering her proof that i was a failure. She wanted to give me to my dad but he was way too sucessful to take care of me. and when i say sucessful i mean he killed him self with booze. Mom never loved me cuz i could never live up to my dad's sucess. She tried to beat me but didn't wanna ruin the cast iron set she bought from Time Life magazine. It came with a free picture of a happy family.....which she smashed over my head. that angered her more as my crying made it so she couldn't hear Paul Harvey on the radio. We didn't have a basement so she locked me in the oven with venomous spiders.
I manage to put both pant legs on at the same time. easier said than done, but i have perfected it. You gotta do it while lying down. Put your legs straight up and pull the pants onto them. This may be difficult if you are fat. I propose fat people wear moo moo's. even the men. Tie a belt around it and you will look like a fancy hotel curtain. it may lead to a very lucrative career.
Can bed bugs live on chairs?
i'm killing myself with kindess so my suicide note will only say nice things about me. Just a few more self affirmations and maybe i'll hold the car door for myself. That should be enough to do it. If not, i'll save the last slice of pizza for me. That's guarenteed death. I'm kinda lookin for a ghostwriter for my suicide note but haven't found anyone worthy. i guess i'll wait till i'm dead to write it. It will really add authenticity to the whole thing.
I've been procrastinating preparing for the worst. I guess that's a good things because im bleeding from my ears as i type and i don't have time to check the batteries in my smoke alarm which fuckin sucks because i'm always falling asleep with lit cigarettes. I really need a better sense of urgency .....and a tampon for my ear. i'll get it later, i've got some unfinished business to attend to.
My mom doesn't like me. She wanted to get an abortion but thought i wasn't worth the money. She says im a major let down and never finish anything. Little does she know i just polished off a bottle of ambien and chased it with bourbon. finally my mom's gonna be proud of me! It's all ive worked for. acceptance. I would try to kill myself once a week to make her happy but i totally screwed up each time. furthering her proof that i was a failure. She wanted to give me to my dad but he was way too sucessful to take care of me. and when i say sucessful i mean he killed him self with booze. Mom never loved me cuz i could never live up to my dad's sucess. She tried to beat me but didn't wanna ruin the cast iron set she bought from Time Life magazine. It came with a free picture of a happy family.....which she smashed over my head. that angered her more as my crying made it so she couldn't hear Paul Harvey on the radio. We didn't have a basement so she locked me in the oven with venomous spiders.
Monday, October 31, 2011
The Moron Brigade.
no melody, just dis chord. fragile as a reminiscence hanging on a thread, falling into amnesia. The cycle repeats because the pain went unnoticed. Into an abyss echoing of centuries of atrocities. This is the world we live in. a record that skips back to when the story was good. The same harmonies play before the crescendo of chaos rumbles upon us as we're left asking why. We stand together until the humanity wears off. Then back to our isolated routines of self destruction and planetary evisceration. Our memories are so tainted with inaccuracies placed by opportunists that we lose ourselves. Our minds swell of sepsis draining us of any compassion we may have left.
Now here we stand, in our own looking glass. We strayed from the rational and got lost in the rantings of a maniac. on a milk crate he stands spewing vitriol. We don't have the self identity to question. We are hypnotized by his voice and the chorus of sheep all praising in unison. We leave the truth behind. Behind with the wreckage on our path to nowhere as we march blindly behind the righteous idea that we are on a mission from god. Inserting the name and speaking on his behalf we claim to sleep good at nite because man told us that the magic spirit in the clouds fancys us most so we are immune to his law as long as we act out murder, hate, exclusion and prejudice in his name.
a young girl died because she dared to believe the human race to be better. She fell victim to the storm pattern creating a deadly swath from sea to shining sea. Hate and intolerance are the greatest plagues our planet have known. And we shed the obligatory tear then head back to our ambivalent existence.
A world where you can be killed over a inconsequential disagreement. A smoke screen to take our minds off the big, simple picture that we are alike in that we share differences. I don't wanna live in that world. A world where we trust the people we elect to protect our rights, respect our differences and act in our best interest. Yet all they do is sell out to the highest bidder, leaving those in need out in the cold. ( literally.) Our votes should be the insurmountable currency that gives us the same rights and privileges as them. People that would destroy their own country rather than compromise. i don't wanna live in that world. I don't wanna live in the world where we select who we help based on what financial gain we can make from their resources. While people suffering the same if not worse injustice are being wiped out by the millions because they don't have anything we want?! These people are hell bent on destroying civilization under the guise of salvation from above. Willing to destroy everything because they refuse to see things through different eyes.
perspective. a child dies of cancer because the companies that fund political campaigns are too busy spending billions of dollars on pills to make your dick hard.
perspective. our own government is scaring its blind citizens that if all people were to receive universal healthcare we would be come a socialist nation and be a tiny band-aid away from losing all our rights.Yet all these politicians who instill this fear of socialism get free health care, paid for by us. I don't wanna live in the world where the state funds clinics to keep drug addicts on drugs while 20,000 children in my own state go to bed homeless. And no one questions this because they're told that god wrote the constitution. They put words into thin air's mouth. And we follow. we kill, we hate, we lie and cheat. we take advantage of the less fortunate to do our bidding so the blood wont be on our hands. i don't wanna live in that world. I don't wanna march with the Moron Brigade.
Now here we stand, in our own looking glass. We strayed from the rational and got lost in the rantings of a maniac. on a milk crate he stands spewing vitriol. We don't have the self identity to question. We are hypnotized by his voice and the chorus of sheep all praising in unison. We leave the truth behind. Behind with the wreckage on our path to nowhere as we march blindly behind the righteous idea that we are on a mission from god. Inserting the name and speaking on his behalf we claim to sleep good at nite because man told us that the magic spirit in the clouds fancys us most so we are immune to his law as long as we act out murder, hate, exclusion and prejudice in his name.
a young girl died because she dared to believe the human race to be better. She fell victim to the storm pattern creating a deadly swath from sea to shining sea. Hate and intolerance are the greatest plagues our planet have known. And we shed the obligatory tear then head back to our ambivalent existence.
A world where you can be killed over a inconsequential disagreement. A smoke screen to take our minds off the big, simple picture that we are alike in that we share differences. I don't wanna live in that world. A world where we trust the people we elect to protect our rights, respect our differences and act in our best interest. Yet all they do is sell out to the highest bidder, leaving those in need out in the cold. ( literally.) Our votes should be the insurmountable currency that gives us the same rights and privileges as them. People that would destroy their own country rather than compromise. i don't wanna live in that world. I don't wanna live in the world where we select who we help based on what financial gain we can make from their resources. While people suffering the same if not worse injustice are being wiped out by the millions because they don't have anything we want?! These people are hell bent on destroying civilization under the guise of salvation from above. Willing to destroy everything because they refuse to see things through different eyes.
perspective. a child dies of cancer because the companies that fund political campaigns are too busy spending billions of dollars on pills to make your dick hard.
perspective. our own government is scaring its blind citizens that if all people were to receive universal healthcare we would be come a socialist nation and be a tiny band-aid away from losing all our rights.Yet all these politicians who instill this fear of socialism get free health care, paid for by us. I don't wanna live in the world where the state funds clinics to keep drug addicts on drugs while 20,000 children in my own state go to bed homeless. And no one questions this because they're told that god wrote the constitution. They put words into thin air's mouth. And we follow. we kill, we hate, we lie and cheat. we take advantage of the less fortunate to do our bidding so the blood wont be on our hands. i don't wanna live in that world. I don't wanna march with the Moron Brigade.
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