Mr Blunder goes to the Afterlife.

It had been weeks since Mr Blunder was left to wander the empty roads by his Lovely. On nothing but a steady diet of mint tic tacs he tried to forge ahead. His heart felt clamped. His soul was stagnant. He was lost. On the streets and in his thoughts. Under a blanket of darkness Mr Blunder felt warm. Vulnerable, he looked to the night and let unholy spirits occupy his vacant eyes. Walking from the light Mr Blunder had no fears. He came to an abandoned gas station. The wind was getting cold. He saw a container labeled "Anti-freeze". Thinking it would prevent hypothermia he consumed the bottle. He marched onward to nowhere. His head got light, his heart murmured. His stomach felt like it was under attack by locusts and magpies. He quickly faded in the woods beyond the Pine Cone Resevoire.
When he finally came to there stood before him some kind of spirit. She called herself Milly. She came from the shadows of the brightest of lights. A summer dress with lilacs and a wonderful clavicle. Her job was to guide lost souls through the fog and haze to the eternal peace. So comforting was her voice and touch. Without question Mr Blunder followed her upward. She told him his pain was gone and he was finally free. She had given him his greatest gift ever. Milly the sweet angel spread her wings and flew back into the heavens. He would not soon forger Milly for saving his soul.
The after life was nice. Mr Blunder saw many birds and giraffes and oak trees. He saw the fox he had saved that eventually met his death at the hands of a racist tornado. ( apparently foxes are the blacks of feral canines.) They shared some saltines and lemonade. The fox seemed so happy and at peace. Mr Blunder really liked this place. They even had self reliant vacuums that came by to clean up the saltine crumbs. Mr Blunder had decided he wanted to stay here. He wasn't going back to that dark place ever again. He wasn't ever going to allow his heart to be tortured again. He also liked that there was no need to urinate in the afterlife. He could drink what he pleased and as much as he'd like without having to pee every 11 seconds. Just as he found a cloud with a good view to reside upon he felt a tap. It was Milly. She came back for him. She needed to bring him back to life. It wasn't his time. She just wanted to give a glimpse into a better world so he would see that things would eventually end up ok. Her eyes were like two pristine lakes and her smile a gateway to utopia. He knew it would be tough but Milly promised she would be there in spirit always. She took him back to his home and birch city and bandaged his heart. She brought along her 3 legged dog because his fleas brought luck. With a renewed faith in humanity Mr. Blunder cooked them a fantastic meal in his skillet. Homemade tacos and beans. Milly had to return to work as an angel. Mr Blunder thanked her and watched in awe as she separated the clouds and ascended back to the afterlife. Mr Blunder had been reborn. And because he was so nice to Milly she made it so he only had to pee 4 times a day. His urine also came out in the colors of a rainbow. Mr Blunder was now ready for his next adventure.

Mr Blunder and his Tic Tacs.

Spring was vastly approaching in beautiful Birch City. Flowers in blossom, leaves on trees, fat girls in tank tops with their stomach fat dripping out of the bottom like a tube of tooth paste with a boulder on the end. Mr Blunder had awoken at his lovely's and put on his oven mitts to make their morning coffee. They were oven mitts with pictures of distorted clocks. Mr Blunder loved clocks! He swore to wear oven mitts when making coffee because he burns so easily. He once got 3rd degree burns after spilling iced coffee in his lap. He safely brewed their morning coffee and they had sat to enjoy it together. His lovely's new home was finally unpacked and furnished. Mr Blunder worked very hard to help her. Despite several visits to the emergency room and a limb reattachment things went really smoothly. Mr Blunder was so happy about spring because they could partake in outdoor adventures again. Cycling, hiking, bird watching and synchronized swimming.
His Lovely seemed rather pensive. Mr Blunder was off to do some chores so he kissed her on the head and wished her well. He was off to Mr. Acorn's market to get some habenero peppers and bacon for his skillet. He had some extra money so he picked up some fresh flowers for his lovely and a bunch boxes of mint green tic tacs. Those were his favorites. As Mr. Blunder arrived home from his chores and his pit stop at the ER where he needed to get his skull stapled when a bear bit his head. It appeared the bear had a toothache and Mr. Blunder just wanted to help. Not only does he carry a skillet with him 24/7 but he also keeps a tarter scraper. The bear was grateful but it was in his nature to try and eat Mr. Blunder and Mr. Blunder was ok with that.
As he arrived at his Lovely's all of his things were stuffed into his red carry-on bag with the wheels. His Lovely said that now that she had her own home she didnt need him around anymore. She wanted to start fresh with a clear head. Mr Blunder was crushed. Heartbroken. His soul was caving in amidst the crumbling walls of his life. Everything seemed so good. They were in-love. They finished each others sentences. Ate each others meals and Mr. Blunder even cleaned the toilet daily. She didn't care to negotiate. She closed the door and Mr. Blunder was left alone with just his red bag and green tic tacs. His eyes burned from his tears so he couldn't drive home. Mr Blunder walked 22 miles alongside Sycamore Mountain to his residence. Broken more than any of his bones after the hundreds of accidents he'd been in. More crushed than his femur after that time he tried to kick a building like a soccer ball. Walking alone and cold, Mr Blunder ate his green tic tacs. No thoughts, no emotions. Just walking and eating his green tic tacs.........

....to be continued

Mr Blunder Saves a Fox.

Today seemed like such a wonderful day for Mr. Blunder. He had planned a picnic atop Sycamore Mountain for he and his Lovely. First off to Mr. Acorns for fresh produce. Some Watermelon, fresh bread, sparklin water and delicious turkey and ham. Oh what a joyous picnic t'would be. He grabbed a few veggies to fry up on his skillet. On his walk back from Mr. Acorn's Grocer Mr. Blunder stumbled upon a poor injured fox. Caught in a bear trap was he. Mr Blunder reached down to loosen his leg. The fox was out but was limping like the town drunk who only months earlier walked fairly normal until he tripped over a rotary phone on his way to the john. Mr Blunder tried to help him too but ended up crushing his leg in a trash compacter as the man's odor led him to believe that the leg was just a soiled old carpet rolled up and ready for garbage. The man was actually grateful as it gave him even more of an excuse to drink. Numb the pain. He thanked Me Blunder by making him a wonderful quilt with pictures of Oxen and Yak playing Violin in Mongolia. Beautiful stitch work. Mr Blunder used it to keep him and his Lovely warm in the cold season.

Now the poor fox could barely walk so Mr. Blunder rushed him home to try and take care of the poor fellow. The fox must have been hungry as Mr Blunder carried him because he reached his head down and ate several babies on the way. No matter to Mr Blunder as the babies were loud criers anyway. Always woke him from terrific dreams of orchid fields and doves. He got the fox home finally where he made a splint out of 2 chair legs and an old wash cloth. He then gave the fox a shot of whiskey. He didnt want to miss his picnic with his Lovely so he set the fox up infront of the television with his bad leg elevated and gave him s'mores and cocoa. His Lovely was very proud of his good deed as she took his arm and walked along to what would be the greatest picnic ever. Mr Blunder had a great life. He was thankful and he made sure to tell that to his Lovely as he accidentally poured pesto sauce on her new blouse. She wasnt upset. That is true love.

Mr Blunder helps his Lovely :)

Twas a beautiful morn' in Birch City. Mr Blunder was excited to try on his new velcro sneakers. No more laces for him since he tripped and knocked that poor family off the Sycamore Valley mountains. He was only trying to snap a photo of the ever so allusive Perigrine Falcon but he'd aimed the camera backwards and flashed his eyes, tripped over his Reebok's laces and sent the nice family Willow, weeping over the mountain top.
But alas, a new day was upon him and he velcro'd up and was ready to help his Lovely. Her home was destroyed by a falling Redwood that was struck by lightning and hit by a drunk driver simultaneously. The driver was fine but Mr Blunder didn't know that so he went to help. He insisted upon bandaging the man but had no actual bandage so he wrapped him feverishly with aluminum foil. The man looked like a retarded moth trying to emerge from it's caccoon. Well, lighting loves aluminum and decided to strike this man several hundred times, burning his flesh and killing him. Turns out the drunk driver was wanted for several bank robberies, mattress tag rip-offs and the murder of a zoo monkey who looked too much like his abusive father. Mayor Crabtree was set to award Mr. Blunder with a medal of honor and a bottle of barbeque sauce for his cast iron skillet. The ceremonies were to be held after he helped his Lovely.
Mr Blunder spent hours moving all of his Lovely's belongings to her new home on Palm st. His Lovely was smart and bubble wrapped everything 2 times over. Including her supply of bubblewrap. After several strenuous hours the move was complete. Mr Blunder helped his Lovely set up her furniture and hang her photos. She was very pleased and ready to start her new life in her new home. They both got dressed extra fancy for the Mayor Crabtree's ceremony honoring Mr. Blunder. His Lovely had to button his shirt and tuck in his shirt as he'd hammered 3 of his fingers into the wall trying to hang pictures. He was grateful and gave his Lovely a special golden lady bug pin to wear on her dress. They walked hand in hand to the ceremony where he was honored as a hero. So excited, Mr Blunder pulled out his cast iron skillet and cooked his famous Peanutbutter Omlettes for the whole town. Was a great day indeed. A great day............

Mr Blunder.

Once upon a time there lived a man called Mr. Blunder. Always bumpin into shit, crashin' cars, spillin cran juice all over his good trousers. His heart was there but his equilibrium, not so much. He lived below the Oak Tree on Maple street in Birch City. Little did he know his constant blundering would save the world. It all began at Mr. Acorns Grocers on Pine ave. Mr. Blunder was buying some seedlings for his garden and pickin up some fresh apples to make a pie for his Lovely. He owed her the pie since he accidently ripped the skin off her forehead while trying to help her wax her eyebrows. She was a kind woman. Beautiful clavicle and quick wit like no other. Her eyes could guide even the most lost of souls to shore. Even Mr. Blunder who got lost in his own kitchen was able to find her. And his kitchen was no larger than that of a dollhouse.
Well finishin up his purchase at Mr. Acorns an armed assailent entered the market. Demanding all the fresh vegetables and vegetable oil so he could fuel his eco-friendly nuclear bomb. Mr Acorn had no choice to oblige as he was staring down the barrel of a very large potato gun. Mr Blunder went into a panic. He promised he'd be home to his lovely by the 3rd hour after noon. He went and hid in the canned goods aisle hoping not to be seen so he could escape through the back exit. He fumbled an apple and in trying to catch it he knocked over the Chef Boyardee display. Cans went flying and rolling everywhere. one tripped up the assailent who then fell and bumped his head on Mr Blunders cast iron skillet. He brought it with him everywhere in case he felt the need to cook an egg. The evil man was out cold and was taken to jail by the police. Mr Blunder was a hero. Mr Acorn was so delighted he gave him a fresh baked apple pie to bring home to his lovely. He was also given a police escort to make sure he arrived home safe, unlike the last time when he thought a tree stump was a hidden door to the cookie factory. He went missing 6 weeks.
He finally arrived home with warm pie in hand for his lovely. She had heard of his heroism on the daily news and greeted him with a big hug and kiss. They enjoyed the pie together and watched the sunset in peace. He did however fall in the toilet again after thinking his reflection was a secret KGB agent mocking him. But his every so delightful lovely clean him up and got him to bed. They both fell asleep in contentment while watching Sleepless in Seattle. Mr Blunder had found his meg ryan so he could rest easy.

the end.

i hate michael vick

i wrote this and recorded this as a song a year back. liked the words but not the song. it's from the perspective of the dogs that michael vick killed. the helpless victims.

Cant see where I'm going. There's blood, scars are showing. I feel the fire growing, the pace of life is slowing. no one hears the screams, burning flesh and dreams . you killed for your game. battered alone and maimed. my eyes tell of pain,the lightning in my brain. collapsed my lungs with your reign. You hid behind the fame, hung us by our chains...i clawed from the remains, so won't kill again. don't try and walk away, I'm ending you today.
when you look at me, dollar signs what you see. killed for you vanity. ignored my basic needs, left me alone to bleed. worthless commodity, is what you thought of me. i failed, you slaughtered me. hell's where you outta be. The rain cant wash away, the sins the vacant days.Eyes singed with pepper spray born of your ruthless ways. for those you led astray. i rise again, collect. to dissect whats left. im here to snap your neck. ill lay your soul to rest.
I needed you. i depended, jail and "sorry" leave nothing mended. my wounds still gaping as we're left to die. torn skin, bent bones, burnt out eyes. engraved forever, like a head stone. i'll bury you, in the fucking end zone.

angry words caused by a not nice person

You've traveled the world but you haven't crossed my mind. actually, that last line was a lie. My mind is a highway and you're a commuter. back and forth it takes its toll. my heart a pot of old cracked pewter. The sole shooter in the gunfight. I brought a knife but you stole my sight and stuck the blade in the my spine so my organs could see light. an out of work labored breath then you left. i did my job you grabbed the broom and under the carpet i was swept. But that's not the point.

You were the final stick that poked, provoked this half ghost. You may have took my breath away but ive learned to fuckin choke. from the dust, comes the smoke...the fire will rise and put its hands on your throat. My supposed demise has been exaggerated since the first time my heart broke. I keep coming back like a fucking cockroach. but now im gonna fight until i'm dead and i've lost hope.

You are the straw, the rope, the dead end road. get the fuck out of my head and fuck that horse that you rode.